四海一家

婚姻，有时候想起来挺可怕的（转帖）

相敬如宾的夫妻，只在书上看过。而在现实生活中，两口子闹腾得不可开交的事，时常成为我们茶余饭后的谈资。很多人对此得出的结论似乎是商定好了的：这就是生活。确实，婚姻中的两人，不磕磕碰碰那倒显得有些不正常。隔三差五摔摔碟子砸砸碗，再给旁人提供点谈笑的话题。摔着无意，谈者无心，过了也就过了。俗话说，夫妻没有隔夜的仇嘛。
活人，讲究一个大概，大约，大体，等等。总之，人不能活得太过细致。太细致了，不仅你自己寸步难行，旁边的人也觉得累，看见你就觉得头大。婚姻，其中的原理或者也是基本如此。讲究粗线条，总体的框架不发生改变就可行。如果你非要把婚姻研究出个一二三，不仅徒劳而且痛苦。爱情是抽象的，属于理想主义者；婚姻是具体的，属于现实主义者。

两个完全陌生的男女，到了一定的时候，在一定的环境下，相识，相恋，而后相携走入婚姻。彼此究竟相知有多少呢？我们连自己都不知，谈何知他人？婚后若干年，忽然回想起当初的结合，冷不丁吸一口凉气：我咋就这么糊涂选择了他（她）呢？如果能重来就好了。其实，就算真的能够重来，你还是那么糊涂的。婚姻这个东西，有时候想起来真的挺可怕的。
不过，婚姻也并非总是如我们想象的那么糟糕。有人说，婚姻具有检验人的品质的功能。细细想来，这话不无道理。一个能把婚姻处理得妥妥帖帖的人，多一半也会应付复杂的人际关系。一个从不在家里行横的人，他的绅士风度我们更不难想象。恋爱中的爱情，是以语言表达为准；婚姻中的爱情，是以具体行为为准。恋爱中的爱情，是海面漂起的浪花；而婚姻中的爱，则是海底的岩石。

想到了婚姻的可怕，你便读懂了婚姻的深刻。

Comment by 秉浩 on May 17, 2009 at 8:04am: This article is worth reading, because it gives a fairly reasonable snapshot of where most marital conflicts originated -- often times, we look for the enemy, and the enemy is ourselves. However, just like most articles on marriage & other social relationship, it is still very much lacking the insight on some aspects of marital issues which might be even more fundamental: e.g. sex. In a broader sense, most conflicts of human relationship may have been driven by food and sex at the most basic level. Marital relationship, in particular, is driven by sex and the consequences of such. If we analyze the problems of marital conflicts without touching this taboo, (and most articles of this type will not touch this taboo), I don't think we would ever get to the source of those problems.

"恋爱中的爱情语言表达为准；婚姻中的爱情，是以具体行为为准" unfortunately, only begs the question why expression by language has been evolved as a specific form of biological function. And I doubt very much that most lovers of this century rely on expression by language more than they rely on specific behaviors, such as sex, for starting a pre-marital relationship either.

Instead of arguing point by point, let me summarize by pointing out that in a modern society, most marital conflicts probably should be addressed with the help of a trained pyschology professional. I have seen enough in my work to know that the current lifestyle, value system, family and societal structure, whether Chinese or western, simply make a substantial number of cases of marital issues too complicated to address without a comprehensive understanding of the more fundamental flaws of the relationship. Real marital conflicts need not, and probably should never, stay at a chit-chat level among friends. This article is nice, but oversimplifies. Hence I think I will give other readers my words of caution.